Homo What?

A Fire Marshal decided to ignite a large bucket of gasoline to burn the built-up soot in his chimney. His fireplace was cold. He stopped sliding the sloshing bucket of gasoline across the hearth when his favorite polyester disco suit, the powder blue one with wide lapels, flash-melted. A lit cigar stub dangled between his blistered lips.

His body’s defense mechanisms mitigated shock, fought infection, and accelerated the healing process. He survived. His pension plan and disability benefits ensured marital success and he proved to be quite fecund, fathering seven sons, despite resembling a goblin.

Evolution has conferred differential reproductive success at the expense of sound reasoning. Ubiquitous examples of questionable judgment suggest that Homo sapiens consider giving themselves a new name. Perhaps something more reflective of our capacity to step on a rake while texting, apply ice to our swollen genitalia, then immediately attempt procreation.

Taxonomists, evolutionary ecologists, and population geneticists debate ad-nauseum evolutionary pathways, adaptive radiation, bird beak shapes, even the hue of sexual presentation. None of it matters. The subject species will remain severely challenged and prolific. Much like our closest genetic relatives, chimps, we will continue exploring the limits of fecal trajectory: metaphorically speaking.

Although irrelevant, could eight billion Homo sapiens agree on a new specific epithet? Hardly! But a strong case could be argued for Homo headupassicus. Disagree? All right then.