CONNECTING POINT: Bob's Story

Bob’s childhood was very difficult, certainly unexpected, considering that his parents were part of a ministry organization that traveled around the world preaching the saving grace of Jesus. But at home: intemperateness. Bob’s father was absent in many respects, and during those important developmental years, the boy wilted under hurtful insults and outbursts of anger directed at him by his father. For years the young man lived in fear and worse, internal strife. He developed several health issues, including acute obsessive-compulsive disorder.

In some respects, Bob’s father epitomizes the speaker in Romans 7. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”

This is not a made-up scenario, a real-life experience which is in fact common. My focus is not so much on the willful intent of meanness to the child, but in some instances, meanness can become a result. Thus, I want to focus more on blindness. Being a parent is not so much as “being,” as it is “becoming.” The world though can cause us to lose vision, and if this struggle is too prolonged, and if family pressures are not resolved, parents can become bedeviled and sinful.

On the other hand, what about the child and his growth? Emotional abuse, physical abuse, we know when we get there. Then guilt, if not on the outside, on the inside, nags us to recompense. Psychologist Virginia Satir, (1916-1988), once called ‘the mother of family therapy,’ points to four main defenses in victims: Pleaser, Blamer, Reasoner, and Withdrawer. As a “Pleaser” our goal is to keep others happy, to keep judgment and anger away. The “Blamer” points the finger at others quickly, pours out anger, judgement, and shame. A “Reasoner” uses intellect to try to vindicate themselves or prove

another person wrong. They try to win most arguments. The “Withdrawer” takes an apathetic approach and believes that the deeper, stress-filled issues in life are better avoided than engaged. Personally, I think we can operate in one of these at one point or another in our behavior. I would encourage you to consider these possible coping mechanisms that may present themselves in your own circumstances.

Truth be told, we all respond with some unwanted behaviors in our relationships. In the Letter to the Ephesians (4: 22-24), Paul instructs us: “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

It is only when we identify these behaviors and be honest with God and ourselves that healing, and transformation can take place. Otherwise, we may drudge through life, hurting people, even those closest to us. We pray that it stops. We talk it out, ask for forgiveness, and resolve to change. We seek professional help.

Combating the lies we believe with the truth of God’s Word helps us to get on track, discovering that there is hope in Christ.