Articles written by Cousin Cleavon

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The Lie of the Pie

Thanksgiving is fast approaching, meaning that day we fill our pie holes with turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and pie. We watch our family or friends cook all day over a hot stove. The turkey is fried or cooked in the oven. All the side dishes...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Zombie Brains

Recently I have been having a weird craving for brains. Probably because Halloween is coming up. On the other hand, maybe it's because so many people say I could use some. In either case, 'tis the season. About a week ago I got bitten by a creepy...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: The Forbidden Powdered Sugar

This is the month where weird things happen. You know, the bump in the night, or that thing you see out of the corner of your eye. I have learned that after you shoot whatever it was, 65% of the time it makes a good dinner. The other 45% we don't...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Koala Ears

Still traveling around the United States. We recently went to a weird zoo, in Oklahoma. When I say weird, I mean they have a restaurant right next to the zoo that serves the animals that are in the zoo. The highest-priced item was $100,000, which is...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Fresh Microwaved Scorpions

My wife and I have been traveling to visit friends and see our kids. God, has it been a long trip of nagging and earplugs for me and the dogs! Last week we end up in Tulsa, Arizona. I found out very quickly that going outside at night in Montana is n...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Delicious Date Cookies

I have recently had a mining accident and hit my head. I am starting to feel normal, which is unlike me, so I felt like writing my best edible recipe. INGREDIENTS: 2 ½ cups all-purpose flour 1...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Fairy Tea

This last week I noticed a lot of small sparkly creatures flying in the air at night. I tried to capture one but had no luck. I called one of the locals who hunt bugs and he said to turn on a big LED...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Vampire Sandwich

Hiking and camping season is upon us. People come from every state just to camp and hike in Montana. Our woods are bountiful and amazing. But when you go hiking and camping you are plagued by bloodsuc...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: BBQ Voles

It is that time of the year when the grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone in the neighborhood wants the best-looking grass and will do anything for it. There are many factors that help...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Rack of Wombat

It is that time of year where you start to uncover the BBQ and clean off your deck. Everyone is looking for a new and exciting BBQ recipe. We had a reader, Alice, from New Jersey send in a recipe...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Where Do Jellybeans Come From?

Everyone believes jellybeans come from the Easter bunny, and it is true. But did you know you can make your own bootleg jellybeans with an army of albino rabbits? The Easter bunny is like a bee. The...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Squirrel Head Cheese

It is that time of the year when the squirrels are coming out of the trees and starting to tease my dog. I am on the same page as my dog I hate seeing them and I try to chase them away. I really hate...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Crockpot Jackalope

Jackalopes are one of the hardest animals to find, but there is a big population in Whitehall. Jackalopes live in the same areas as antelopes but act like gophers. The reason why you don't see them is...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Blue Booby and Waffles

Due to the fact that chicken prices are increasing, we needed to find an alternative meat. A wonderful reader emailed me about this problem. Dizzy Izzy lives off the coast of the Pacific Ocean. She re...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Rack of Chupacabra

Back in 2015, our sleepy town of Whitehall was plagued by a Chupacabra. Not all of Whitehall was affected, but the goat farmers were scared. A little back story, Chupacabras are like wolves. They are...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Badger Liver

I was inspired to write this article about an animal that reminds me so much of my wife. You know, very cute and cuddly, but when you try to pet it your head might get ripped off. One of the most...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Yeti Mints

Yetis are close cousins of sasquatch. Yetis live in the Himalayas and other cold places, including Alaska, but just like humans, they like to visit their families at Christmas. So, when winter hits in Montana, Alaska yetis walk down to see their...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: The Truth About What Grandma Cooks

Due to the genetics in my family, I am autistic and very OCD, which makes certain things obsessively important to me. Therefore, in the interest of truth and honesty, I feel it is my duty to expose all the supposedly innocent grandmas who serve...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Holiday Berkeley Pit Geese

It is now the season to start thinking about what to have for that Thanksgiving dinner table. I found that you don't always have to have turkey. We cook geese every other year. The drawback to having a goose for dinner is having to pluck all the...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Caramel Cockroaches

During the month of October, I find myself eating more candy and sugar, and less meat and protein. So, I looked up different ways to get more protein. I looked everywhere on the internet and couldn't...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Werewolf Drumsticks

Werewolves run rampant during the month of October, but you need to double-check it is not a kid dressed up. The way you tell the difference is the size and smell. Werewolves smell like grandma's...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Dinner or No Dinner

This week we are hunting for the most elusive bird in all the world. The blue footed red tit snipe. I have tried for years and years to catch a snipe, hearing many old wives say their meat is as...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Mice Meat Pie

It is the time of the year in Montana that if you don't have a well-made home you start to see mice and rats in the house. I know this does not happen to everyone, but my house is built like a sieve,...

 

COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Smoked Blobfish

My cousin Jim-Bob lives off the coast of Tasmania and he goes fishing a lot. One night he was checking his crab pots and found a blobfish. The best way to describe the way this fish look is your wife...

 

COUSING CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Buzzing Sugar Pops

This is the best way to get rid of cicadas, you know, those bugs that sound like your wife. They never shut up. However, unlike her, they only come out every 13-17 years! Cicadas are very difficult...

 

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